Intimate Questions to Ask Your Lover - For Women
A quick review of divorce statistics screams at us. We are doing something wrong as a society in terms of teaching ourselves how we choose our partners. The criteria we use for getting married does not work.
A quick review of divorce statistics screams at us. We are doing something wrong as a society in terms of teaching ourselves how we choose our partners. The criteria we use for getting married does not work. Our schools put the emphasis on how to do mathematics, English and science; but pay no attention, at all, on to "how to live" studies in communication, discrimination and solid life values. Almost of us end up reading cutesy questions and flip answers about how to fix or heal relationships.
This is not one of those articles that will tickle your funny bone. This article will make you think, because I dont want you to be another divorce statistic. When you get married I want you to stay married. I want you to remain married because youre so happy you cant imagine not being married.
So let me throw out an assumption here; you are not married... yet...
True story
A friend of mine was in town visiting and wanted me to meet his girlfriend of nearly four years. I picked them up at their hotel and we headed back to my house less than 25 minutes away. Naturally, I wanted to get to know Lori as well as I could in the short amount of time we had together. So I asked her some casual questions. By the time we got to my house my friends jaw was sort of hanging to the floor (and it was a long way down because hes a very tall fellow). I asked him if he was OK as Lori moved on towards my house and waiting wife. My friend said, Paul, I just found out more about Lori in 20 minutes then I have in four years. I wasnt surprised.
If you are like most people you dont want to know the answers to most of the questions you should be asking for fear of having to make a determination that wont go along with your plans to marry them. My friend lucked out and soon broke up with Lori. My friend ended up marrying someone who he knew a whole lot more about and loved what he knew. Are you in that precarious situation now?
Here are some things you need to do to protect yourself, your future and your future children.
- Make two lists. List "A" will contain the traits that are most important to you in your husband. List "B" will contain the traits that you absolutely do not want to be in your husband.
- Prioritize both lists - take as long as you need, some folks keep the list going for up to a month or two before they are comfortable with their priorities.
- Draw a line under the highest priority that is completely 100% nonnegotiable (those usually are no more than two or three items.)
Obviously, when you have completed the above exercise you will know a lot more about yourself and your own expectations, and are ready to ask intimate questions of your lover that really matter.
Dont Be Afraid To Ask
If you go out to buy a car you will present the salesman with the right questions making sure you choose the right car. If you wanted to design a kitchen you will do so much research about every part of it by the time the kitchen actually comes together you will already know exactly what it looks like, because you will have visualized it in your mind 1000 times. The important point to realize is that your visualizations are correct because of the amount of effort you put into the research and planning. When most people visualize their future marriage they do so based on dreams and ideals, not on what they know about themselves or their future spouse. It is much easier to know what youre getting into before you get into it by not being afraid and asking pointed questions. Now, Im not saying you should set your prospective spouse down on a chair under a light and start grilling. Be diplomatic, but be sure. If the first response you get is vague you need to ask again in a different way. Be sure; be absolutely sure you know the answers.
My hope is that your current lover will be your lover and best friend forever. Give him a kiss and sweetly tell him, "I love you."
Paul Friedman, author of Lessons For A Happy Marriage, entered into the business of helping couples mend their marriages after a very rough personal experience with divorce. He discovered the truth from his clients: they only sought divorce because the help they found to stay together didnt work. Read more on the Relationship Advice Blog.