Five great wines under 5 bucks

Because some perceive me to be a sophisticated gentleman of the world, I often get asked for my opinion on wine, particularly what type to drink with what dish. That perception usually goes out the window when I give them an answer, but as Im often asked I thought Id discuss some of my recent wine urchases. Granted, you wont find this type of review in a Wine lovers magazine as Im not one to use words such as "bouquet", "quaff", "aged" and "clarity" unless it has to do with the privates of a member of the opposite sex.
And todays theme is, appropriate for me, sweet white wine. And all for under $5, too (in California at least). Though this is by no means a "Good wines under $5 list". Who do you think I am? Trader Joe?
1.) Dr. Beckermann Liebfraumilch -- Quite literally a snip at $2.49 a bottle -- this wine gives the drinker the sensation of being circumcised. Not quite as high (or, more apt, low) a standard as Id hoped from Namaqua Laat Oes, but this is as bad as it gets in a glass bottle with a cork. It is sweet and noxious, what one would expect a glass of ether with five tablespoons of sugar to taste like. Right now Im checking the Nazi war criminal database to make sure there is not a Dr. Beckermann listed. The rest of this juicy wine review and the 5 top wines delicately described in it is available for reading at www.Quampha.com Entire review written by James M, a Quampha.com contributing author.